How to support someone with anxiety or depression

How to support someone with anxiety or depression 

A rough guide 

I am writing this article because over the years that I have struggled with anxiety/ depression, I have been blessed to have a support network of friends who have been willing to do anything they can to help me. However, they often ask how they can help me, as mental illnesses can be so difficult to understand and comprehend, if you have not experienced them first hand. I personally think that we should all be taught about common mental illnesses and how to show support to sufferers while at school, as studies have shown that 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem each year. Considering that shocking statistic, it seems ridiculous that mental illness is still such a taboo subject to discuss and there is so little understanding of it still. It affects so many of us each year, but yet sufferers feel so alone and isolated.

Mental illnesses vary significantly between sufferers, hence my description of this as a ‘rough guide’, but here are a few ways in which you may help someone who is struggling:

1)   ASK THEM

Mental illness affects different people in very different ways. Some people with depression struggle to get out of bed in the morning- some don’t. Some people with anxiety disorders have panic attacks frequently- some don’t. There are many ways in which depression and anxiety can differ, so my first piece of advice is to ask the person about theirs. It can be quite difficult to open up about it, as the stigma behind mental illness is still very much apparent and some people fear judgement, but also talking about it can trigger emotions, so it is important that you respect the person’s privacy and ability to talk about it.
However, I do think the best way you can help them is to find out the main traits of their mental illness. For example, if they are someone who has frequent panic attacks, it would be useful to ask them what they would find helpful during a panic attack. Some people might just need space and nobody to fuss around them; some might appreciate a glass of water and for someone to help them to slow down their breathing- it completely depends on the person. One of the worst things about mental illness is feeling like no one can understand or help you, so little things like listening and remembering what helps them goes such a long way.

2) BE PATIENT

       Anxiety and depression are such infuriating illnesses by their very nature. They stop sufferers from doing every day things with ease, such as leaving the house, getting out of bed in the morning, eating, socialising and concentrating. Not being able to do the simplest of things is extremely irritating and leaves you feeling pathetic and completely at mercy to your illness. It is so hard to explain to people who haven’t experienced it, what it feels like to not be able to do simple things but the best way I can describe it is that your body is completely dictated by your mind, which is under a significant amount of stress. You don’t really feel in control of your body, and you feel absolutely exhausted from being in constant war with your own head. When people with depression say they cannot get out of bed in the morning, this doesn’t mean they cannot be bothered and are lazy. I think the worst thing to call a depressed person is ‘lazy’. They are not lazy- they are suffering with an exhausting condition- there is a huge difference. People with anxiety and depression often sleep a lot more than the average person, as both conditions are so tiring. Like I said, it varies hugely between people but from my experience, days where my anxiety is bad, I could sleep all day and still feel shattered and no amount of sleep energises me. When I get to the end of a difficult anxiety day, I feel so unbelievably exhausted, as though I have 100 bricks weighing my body down.

It can be so difficult for non- sufferers to comprehend these conditions but it is so          important to be patient with the people that have them. Trust me when I say that nobody wants to feel exhausted, demotivated, suicidal or panicky. I don’t know anyone who enjoys not physically being able to leave the house, so please try and understand what it feels like to have such difficulty. It feels humiliating enough to not feel in control of your body and to not be able to do such simple things, so don’t make the person feel worse by making them feel guilty for it.

3)  HELP THEM TO HELP THEMSELVES

Often, sufferers know exactly what helps them to lift their mood or help them to feel less anxious.  Depending on how they are feeling, sometimes taking them out of the environment they are struggling in can help. For example, if I have been having bad panic attacks in my room all day, it really helps me to get outside and go on a walk. As much as I hate leaving my safe environment when I’m anxious, I am always grateful of whoever drags me out of it or am glad when I manage to drag myself out. Being outside helps to calm me down, but sometimes the only thing that will lower my anxiety level is to sleep, so sometimes napping is the only way to get me out of a really panicky stage. I would definitely ask the person what helps them when they are struggling and try where you can to help them to do this. For example, it has been proven that exercise improves mood, so maybe go to the gym with them or go on a dog walk or something. Depending on the person, different things help. For me, when I am struggling to do anything, I hate it and feel so unproductive, so simple things like making a ‘to do list’ for the day really helps me to feel like I have achieved something with my day. The ‘to do list’ often includes simple things like getting out of bed, showering, eating three meals, (etc) but these are things that are easy to skip out or not bother with when you are feeling depressed.

       It is also important that the person receives any professional support they need. Visiting the doctors or alternative help can be very frightening, so offering to go with them is something small you can do, which will often feel like a huge relief to the person.

4) SHOW THEM YOU CARE

 I think this is the most important way to help. Anxiety and depression often cause you to push people away and isolate yourself, often without you really realising you are doing it. However, once you are alone, you feel extremely alone and this is when negative thought cycles are at their worst. It is very easy to spiral very quickly from one negative thought such as ‘I feel so alone’, to ‘I have no one and no one will miss me when I am gone’ and it is very scary to feel suicidal or have very negative thoughts, as it can be very difficult to stop thinking them once you start.
 Therefore, I think the best thing you can do is to say ‘I care about you’ or ‘thinking of you’ or ‘I love you and we are going to get through this together’. It goes a long way, in the sense that you are not claiming you can magically fix everything, but you are going to try and help and that the person is not alone in their suffering. Just feeling like someone cares really helps someone who is having spiralling negative thoughts, as it can help to interrupt them.

 I hope you have found my advice useful. I don’t claim to be an expert by any means, but I do have first hand of these conditions and know what a huge difference the smallest thing can make. It is very important that you seek medical advice if you are experiencing any of the symptoms of mental illness. There are also various other alternative ways to aid the symptoms (e.g acupuncture, changing diet, exercising more, osteopathy and homeopathy) but knowing ways to make small differences to aid the sufferer really helps.